Dear Molly, How Do I Get Over Someone I Never Had?

This is going to sound crazy but I’m heartbroken right now about someone that I never even dated. We texted a little but he’s always been more of a friend than someone I’m dating. But I definitely fell for him and he has a girlfriend. I know he won’t leave her and I don’t want to confess my love or anything, but we just click so so well that it was hard not to have feelings. I stopped talking with him to get some space and it didn’t help, I just miss him and spend nearly all my time checking to see if he wrote me. How do you get over someone that you never even had? 

 

Feelings tend not to care how hard you are working to keep them at bay. They don’t care about the walls and excuses you’ve made to prevent them from wrapping around your heart. They feed on every inside joke you develop with that person, every time they text you first, every time they compliment you, and every time you two seem just too perfect together.

Every one who has ever had a crush knows this too well and I feel for you. I know the feeling of dread when romantic feelings creep in when you don’t want them to. What you need to remember is that when you are imagining a relationship or life with someone else you are doing just that: imagining. You are filling in the blanks in with the best case scenario. You are romanticizing every possible interaction. Just because you two like the same music does not mean he will dance around the kitchen with you as if you are staring in your own personal rom-com. Just because you both like the same band doesn’t mean he will read your mind and surprise you with concert tickets.

We tend to think that because someone “clicks” with us on interests that they will also “click” with us on needs. Sometimes that’s true, more often though it’s not. Maybe he seems wild and daring and that’s a massive turn-on for you. That doesn’t mean that someone like that would be a good support system for you and make you feel loved. Or the opposite, maybe he seems stable and grounding but would end up feeling suffocating. Remember that no one is infallible and that as perfect as this guy seems he is not perfect. Being with him would not be perfect. Being with him would not make your life perfect.

If he wasn’t attached I would 100% suggest putting yourself out there, but seeing as he is and you’ve chosen to respect that (good on you) it’s time to move on. Remember that you are romanticizing a potential that isn’t there. Take your space to discover yourself. It sounds cliché, but there is something to taking the time and energy you were putting toward thinking about him and investing in yourself. Come up with something you can do for yourself and whenever you start to get emotionally wrapped up in thoughts about him or find yourself checking your phone every other minute hit pause and go do the thing that is for you. Mute the conversation (you can do this on iPhone and IG, I’m not sure about Android) and reward yourself for going a whole day without checking if he wrote you.

And lastly, in the words of Dua Lipa and 100% seconded by me, “if you’re under himyou ain’t gettin’ over him.” Literally under him or under his spell, if you are wrapped up in him you are not processing and moving on.

 

xx

 

Dear Molly, Why Her and Not Me?

I’m wondering if you have advice on something…I just want to know, how to get over feeling “why her and not me” when it comes to guys. It just makes me feel not good enough 😦 Like if a guy is totally capable of treating you the way you secretly want to but chooses not to but then would absolutely do all of that for another girl. I guess I’m tired of feeling like the side person, or the placeholder for when something better comes along. Wondering if you have had experience with this before your current boyfriend or had any insight.

 

Totally know this feeling and it’s a very difficult series of emotions to filter through. I’d start by moving past the mindset that it’s “her” not “me”, because what it really is it “them”. She’s not a perfect being who doesn’t share any of your flaws, she just may be a better match for him. I’m a very different person in my current relationship than I was before. Previously, I was controlling and needy and suffocating because I wasn’t receiving the type of love and care I needed. Currently, I joke that my partner is “obsessed” with me because he’s so attentive and caring and affectionate. Him giving me love in the way I need it changed who I was in the relationship. I’m much more confident, laid back, trusting. (The Aries in me misses the drama, but c’est la vie!)

It’s not to say that my ex was wrong and my current partner is right, or that one is better than the other. What it is is the difference in relationships that Me+Ex v. Me+Current make. When two people come together and create a third thing that is the “relationship”. You both feed into the health of it, but sometimes you are mismatched in how you contribute to the relationship or how you give and receive to and from each other. It doesn’t mean that either of you is wrong or unworthy or, the dreaded word that 99% of guys like to fall back on, “crazy”. It means that the way you need to be loved differs from the way that he gave love.

It’s hard when we see things from the outside because we know that person in one way, but what we don’t know who they are in that relationship just because we’ve been with them before. People change slowly over time and quickly in situations. Being in a new situation with someone else doesn’t mean that he was capable of giving you everything you wanted and that he withheld it. Each relationship is unique in that way.

I’d also like to point out that you mentioned: “secretly want”. There should be no secrets when it comes to what you want emotionally, romantically, or sexually from a partner. Hiding that part of yourself does a few things. One, it makes you feel like they are withholding things from you because they aren’t giving what you are looking for. Two, it creates an unfair field in the relationship where you hold all the cards and he is working to decipher you like an elaborate scavenger hunt. I’m not saying to unleash all your emotional and sexual baggage on the first date, but it’s important to remember that dating someone is not a game to win. This is not to put the blame on you, but only to shine a light on the necessity for strong communication in a healthy relationship. If you felt like you couldn’t talk with him about these things that is a major red flag that you are better off out of that relationship.

As far as moving past the “her, not me” feelings that’s a tough one. Personally, I think it comes from within. I’ve found that small reminders really help me when those feelings come in. Remembering that it’s not personal (he’s not being kind to her to hurt you), each situation is different (you don’t know all the nuances of their relationship and it could have significant drawbacks. people share the good, not the hard), and that he didn’t leave the relationship looking for “You 2.0”. He left looking for something new and different to experience a new and different relationship.

 

xx