Simple Loving: What Being in the Wrong Relationship Taught Me

 

We’ve all witnessed our friends in bad relationships and thought the same thing: that will never be me. I was exactly that person. I thought I was someone who would walk away the second a relationship went south and if you would have told me that I would be in the wrong relationship for years I would never have believed you.

That’s the funny thing about a bad relationship is you don’t realize it’s happening until it’s over. If you had asked me, in the thick of my worst relationship, how things were going I probably would have said some clichéd line about a “rough patch”, but that we were working on it and things were definitely “looking up”.

Some couples do dig themselves out of those rough patches, but more often than not those rough patches are caused by being mismatched in a relationship. It’s not you, it’s not them, it’s the two of you together. You are simply wrong for each other. Being one half of a wrong relationship taught me a lot about myself, my limits, and what I need to be happy in a relationship.

 

Here are seven things that being in the wrong relationship taught me.

  1. You should not feel like a martyr in your relationship, constantly sacrificing your happiness for your partners.
  2. If you’re constantly making excuses for them and defending them to your friends, it’s not the right relationship for you. Your friends are looking out for you, trust them enough to listen to what they have to say instead of listing excuses.
  3. If you cannot trust each other, it’s not the right relationship for you.
  4. You should never feel like you are “unloveable”, “too much”, or “difficult” for asking for what you need in a romantic relationship.
  5. If you’re terrified of losing them, it’s not the right relationship for you. Of course, you hope your partner will stay, but if you are fearful of being on your own and them leaving it’s not a healthy dependency.
  6. If you’ll fight with them about anything just to “spend time together”, it’s not the right relationship for you.
  7. If you contemplate breaking up more than fixing things, then it’s probably time you did.

 

Breaking up is never easy, and always seems harder in the moment, but it was the right move for me us. If you’re in this situation I would urge you to find the confidence, and courage, to end it. Find a relationship with yourself that makes you happy and a relationship with another that makes you proud. The right relationship for you is out there, so don’t stay in the wrong one.

 

On Why: The Third Date Rule is Outdated

We’ve all heard it. I’m sure you’ve heard it. You may have even said it. “Don’t sleep with him on the first date.” Or maybe you have a third, fourth, or fifth date rule yourself. I’ve never understood this. It never aligned with any of my other beliefs about dating, sex, and feminism.

If you want to sleep with someone, and they want to sleep with you, then you should. Period. I don’t know when we decided that sex needed to be more complicated than two ready, willing, and consenting adults. We’ve cultivated the idea that sex is currency within a relationship, something that you can exchange to get your husband to do chores around the house. Something you give out for good behavior and withhold for bad behavior. Dating and relationships are not a game to be won and your partner is not a pet to be trained.

Within dating, we have this idea that if you sleep with someone on the first date that they will never call you again. (“Date” in this case means an actual date, not meeting someone in a bar and going home together. That’s a different conversation altogether…) While there are some people who will take you to dinner all with the hope of sleeping together, in my experience, in talking with friends, in talking with you all, I haven’t found that to be true of most people.

Sex on the first date can turn into a marriage (like in the case of my friend Hannah), or a five and a half year relationship (like me), or nothing. To say that someone who you sleep with on the first date will never call you again is a conclusion based on the premise that all that person wanted was to sleep with you. People who only want sex troll bars, they don’t take you out for a $100 dinner. People who take you out want to get to know you. If someone doesn’t call you again after a first date where you slept together it’s much more likely that they just weren’t into you. You weren’t being used, you just didn’t mentally matchup.

I’m not encouraging you to sleep with everyone on a first date, I’m saying that if you want to – do it and if you don’t – don’t. Withholding sex on the first date (when you want to) to get more dates with someone isn’t a healthy way to look at sex within dating. Physical contact and intimacy are the foundation of relationships, don’t turn them into a competition.

The biggest thing I want you to take away is this: Have sex. Have lots of sex. Or have no sex. Have phone sex before regular sex. Have sex before you’re dating. Have sex on the first date. Have it when you want, how you want. Don’t let the social norm of a third date rule prevent you from going for it.

 

And as a special treat for those of you who read this far down: I asked you all on IG if you have a third date rule for sex and here are the results that were VERY split along gender lines…

34% of people DO have a third date rule when it comes to sex, of that group 11% were women

66% of people DON’T have a third date rule when it comes to sex, of that group 92% were women

make believe: a clean break {83 Songs for Every Type of Breakup}

Sometimes you want to cry in bed for days, sometimes you want to celebrate a new era of time with your girlfriends, and sometimes you want to set his car on fire. Breakups come in all shapes and sizes and luckily for us, there’s a song for each one.

Scroll through the best breakup songs below, visit the playlist on Spotify, or tap one of the options below to jump to the type of break up you’re going through.

Don’t see a type of breakup song that you need? Shoot me a DM over IG or via the contact page.

 

When You Need To Cry It Out

Embracing the Breakup / Moving On

Reminiscent

Mutual / Accepting

Leaving Him

Putting Yourself First

He Missed Out On Something Good

Fuck Him / Angry Ones / Raging with Your Girlfriends

He Goes Back to His Girlfriend

He Leaves You / Moves On to Someone Else

Ending Things With a Fuqboi

He Cheats on You

He Tries to Get You Back, but Let’s Face It, He Sucks

 

 

When You Need To Cry It Out

essentials: a best friend on speed dial, one too many glasses of wine, the willpower not to show up at his doorstep, extra soft tissues, a clean shower for all your dramatic slide-down-the-wall-cry-on-the-floor vibes

 

Bruises – Lewis Capaldi

vibe: Willing all the memories to stay after someone you love deeply leaves. Sad, weepy, deep mourning over lost love with very sexy male vocals.

lyrics of note: “I’ve been told, I’ve been told to get you off my mind / But I hope I never lose the bruises that you left behind” … “Your love I’m lost in / Even though I’m nothing to you now”

Good as You Were Bad – Jana Kramer

vibe: Losing someone you feel is “perfect” despite all his flaws and how he treated you.

lyrics of note: “I’ve never been held the way you held me / And I’ve never been hurt the way you hurt me / I could handle this pain, forget your name / If you hadn’t loved me like you had”

Stay – Shaun Reynolds, Laura Pringle

vibe: Duet cover of Rihanna’s song, so you get both male and female vocals throughout. It’s more of a love song, but the chorus line of wanting someone to stay will make you cry, even if you’re in a happy relationship.

lyrics of note: “Not really sure how to feel about it / Something in the way you move / Makes me feel like I can’t live without you / Yeah, it takes me all the way / I want you to stay”

Shed Your Love – The Helio Sequence

vibe: Grow into your own and losing a love along the way.

lyrics of note: “Fell off of the plane in Amsterdam / Shop the streets to find out who I am” … “Home again to find that you were gone / On a subway train before the dawn / Said that you couldn’t stay and wait for me”

Let Her Go – Passenger

vibe: The song we all wish he was thinking after breaking out hearts. Live in the fantasy that he’s having serious regret for 4:12.

lyrics of note: “Staring at the ceiling in the dark / Same old empty feeling in your heart / Love comes slow and it goes so fast”

Crowded Places – BANKS

vibe: Processing the pain of putting yourself out there and loving someone, who runs scared from you.

lyrics of note: “Remember when I loved you right before that tour? / You said you didn’t want to see me anymore / And then when I got home when I played that show in L.A / All your shit was gone / It was the only time I thought I’d made a mistake”

I’ll Be There Where the Heart Is – Kim Carnes

vibe: Loving someone despite them not loving you. It’s a very different vibe than today’s love songs in that you get slidey synth instead of acoustic, but the lyrics will bring the heavy feels. 1980s pop, love ballad from Flashdance.

lyrics of note: I lie awake at night / And I wonder how you are / And I wish that I could be you again”

 

Embracing the Breakup / Moving On

essentials: a stiff cocktail, the self-control to not cut yourself bangs, Sex and the City movie

 

Over You – Kasbo, Frida Sundemo

vibe: The mantra you keep repeating to yourself as you try to move on. Solid beat. Even if you aren’t “over him” this song might convince you that you are.

lyrics of note: “Yeah, I’m over you / Or at least I will be soon”

Remind Me To Forget – Kygo, Miguel

vibe: Focusing on the bad times instead of clingy to all the good memories. Very solid, uplifting beat with lyrics that are perfect for a “move on” feel.

lyrics of note: “It doesn’t matter where you are, you can keep my regret / Baby I got these scars, reminding me to forget”

Wild Horses – Birdy, Sam Feldt

vibe: You are a phoenix. You are rising strong. You are the ex comes out on top. Moving into a better phase of your life without begging for another chance.

lyrics of note: This can’t be love if it hurts so much / I need to let go / I will survive and be the one who’s stronger / I will not beg you to stay”

Little Bit Stronger – Sara Evans

vibe: Accepting that an on and off again relationship will never work and moving forward with more strength.

lyrics of note: “I’m not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer / I’m busy getting stronger / And I’m done hoping that we can work it out / I’m done with how it feels, spinning my wheels / Letting you drag my heart around” … “Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger”

Somebody That I Used To Know – Gotye, Kimbra

vibe: Mourning and being upset over the loss of a friend, not just a relationship, in a breakup.

lyrics of note: “Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing / And I don’t even need your love / But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough”

 

 

Reminiscent

essentials: a box of tissues, scrolling through old photos of you two before deleting them all, staying away from all his social media profiles

 

The Night We Met – Lord Huron

vibe: Soft memories of the first night with someone and only gently mentions how they grew apart.

lyrics of note: “I had all and then most of you / Some and now none of you / Take me back to the night we met”

11 Blocks – Wrabel

vibe: Having memories of your ex on every corner of the city after ending a 3-year relationship. It also touches on being in a new relationship and still thinking about the previous one.

lyrics of note: “11 blocks from my door to your doorstep / Three years later and it feels too close” … “And I met someone and I swear I’m in love / But I’m two blocks away and you’re just like a drug”

Saturdays – Twin Shadow, HAIM

vibe: The moment you’re with someone and the world starts ripping open and you’re falling through the cracks. Reminiscing on a relationship in the midst of it ending. It’s synthy, it’s slightly poppy with a great drum loop.

lyrics of note: “This could be the last time / That could be the fault line slipping away” … “Maybe we’re a fault line / Maybe we’re a fault line ready to break”

No One Compares To You – Jack & Jack

vibe: Comparing your current relationship and dating with a previous love and finding that no one else measures up.

lyrics of note: “I’m looking at her face but I’m seeing you / She’s sleeping on your side, what can I do / We should be heart to heart, my mind is on you” … “Every time I think I’ve found somebody / I just wish that somebody was you”

Great One – Jessie Reyez

vibe: Trying to move on from a previous relationship and become the best version of yourself, but finding yourself stuck in memories. Every time she hits “everything is nothing without you” you’ll feel your soul singing along and if you’re alone you probably will too.

lyrics of note: “What is life? What is love? / I hope I am enough / What is everything? / Everything is nothing without you”

Too Much To Ask – Niall Horan

vibe: Wishing you could see your ex again and that they would come running back to you. It’s definitely on the sadder side of reminiscent songs, but there’s something about “cause if I’m being honest I ain’t over you yet” that will give you a touch of nostalgia mixed with a need to move on.

lyrics of note: “My heart is hoping / You’ll walk right in tonight / And tell me there are things that you regret / ‘Cause if I’m being honest I ain’t over you yet”

 

 

Mutual / Accepting 

essentials: a clean-slate, fresh-start mindset, resisting the urge to “get coffee” like everything is normal, skipping the clichéd speech about how your friends don’t need to “pick sides” and instead, choosing to let things fall naturally

 

thank u, next – Ariana Grande

vibe: No hard feelings. Learning from heartache and moving forward.

lyrics of note: “I’ve loved and I’ve lost / But that’s not what I see / So, look what I got / Look what you taught me”

Happy Now – Kygo, Sandro Cavazzo

vibe: Sincerely wishing someone well after trying to make a failing relationship work. His confidence throughout plus Kygo’s beats will fill you with that for-the-best feeling.

lyrics of note: “Step by step, I’ll move on and get on with life / So I let go, and I hope you’ll be happy now / You and me, it was good, but it wasn’t right”

Over and Done With – The Proclaimers

vibe: Happy, slightly funny, and a very energetic take on the end of a relationship. Will 100% not make you cry. 🙂

lyrics of note: “This is the story of losing my virginity / I held my breath and the bed held a trinity” … “But sometimes it seems like / My sex life’s all history”

Let’s Hurt Tonight – OneRepublic

vibe: If this is going down we’re going down together. A final hash out of all the bad before deciding whether to cut things off or continue to try and make it work.

lyrics of note: “You came to me and said, ‘that’s enough'” … “Don’t walk away, don’t roll your eyes / They say love is pain, well darling, let’s hurt tonight”

Good For You – Peder Elias

vibe: Trying to let someone go who you still care for, accepting a breakup, and genuinely wishing them well as they move on.

lyrics of note: “I don’t wanna hear you say the words I’ve said to you / But I understand someday that I will too / So if you really love him / Baby, good for you”

 

 

Leaving Him

essentials: your stuff already packed in boxes, healthy boundaries, the ability to let yourself cry because you’re allowed to be hurting even if you ended it

 

No Going Back – Yuno

vibe: Saying goodbye, putting the past in the past, and doing a lil hair toss all at the same time with a v vibey beat.

lyrics of note: “Gave up my life for you / But now we’re through / I know there’s no going back from it baby / You’re nowhere I wanna be”

Too Young – ayokay & Baker Grace

vibe: Transcending a relationship. He gets needy, you need space, he wants to settle, you want to run.

lyrics of note: “Truth is you hold me back / Maybe I love you, I’m too young for that / And I know your expectations got me feeling trapped”

I Wish I Missed My Ex – Mahalia

vibe: You’re over him and he still blows up your phone.

lyrics of note: “I know how this goes / Talk about you need closure / Too many missed calls, too many texts / Damn, I wish I missed my ex”

You Don’t Do It For Me Anymore – Demi Lovato

vibe: Self-mourning for all the time wasted on him.

lyrics of note: “I see the future without you” / The hell was I doing in the past?” … “No, you don’t do it for me anymore”

Settle – Vera Blue

vibe: Not settling, moving forward, and finding all the best parts of yourself along the way. V moody and indie.

lyrics of note: “I am alive and I won’t settle / Move on, and up / Now that I’ve found my way back from you”

Last Night – GRAACE

vibe: Guilty conscience over hurting someone and leaving in a relationship. Leaving isn’t only a happy, positive experience, and this is the song to comfort the person who walks away.

lyrics of note: “And I blinded you ’cause I loved your eyes / And I took your voice ’cause I love to lie / And I weighed you down, so I learned to fly / Last night I made you cry”

I Love You, But I Need Another Year – Liza Anne

vibe: Leaving someone because you aren’t ready to commit or have your own shit to work through.

lyrics of note: “Stay here / I know I love you, but I need another year / I don’t wanna drag you through it”

 

 

Putting Yourself First

essentials: a new hobby you always wanted to try, a solo night out at your favorite bar, any book by Brené Brown

 

Nights Like This – Kehlani, Ty Dolla $ign

vibe: Heavy dose of accepting a relationship is over even if you don’t want it to be. Acknowledging that you need to move on.

lyrics of note: “On some nights like this, I just wanna text you, but for what? / You gon’ say you want me, then go switch it up”

GIRL – Maren Morris

vibe: You best friend telling you to get up, dust yourself off, and move on.

lyrics of note: “What you feel is natural / You don’t gotta put up with this anymore / Pick yourself up off the kitchen floor / Tell me what you waitin’ for?”

Love Myself – Hailee Steinfeld

vibe: Putting yourself first and foremost in terms of a relationship and sex. Definitely the song if you think that hooking up with an ex won’t be messy.

lyrics of note: “Feeling good on my own without you / Got me speaking in tongues / The beautiful, it comes without you / I’m gonna put my body first / And love me so hard ’til it hurts”

Whistle (While You Work It) – Katy Tiz

vibe: Smiling, keeping your head up, and working through all the tough shit. Applies to post-breakup and life in general. I think we can all relate to the need to “smile while you’re hurting”.

lyrics of note: “Brush it off / I will never let this shit weigh me down / Don’t cry, dry your eyes / Keep your chin up and leave it all behind”

The Wild One (single version) – Suzi Quatro

vibe: Few beers deep, dance in your kitchen, air guitar, hair flips, use the bottle as a microphone song. Suzi Quatro is the OG of strong, woman vibes.

lyrics of note: “I’m a red hot fox / I can take the knocks / I’m a hammer from hell / Honey, can’t you tell? / I’m the wild one”

I Look So Good (Without You) – Jessie James Decker

vibe: The glowy, good feeling of being newly single. Could also fall under embracing the breakup too, but I feel like this one is more “you” centric than “relationship” centric and for that reason it’s here.

lyrics of note: “Standin’ in front of the mirror / My clothes never fit better / My laughs never been louder / I look so good without you”

 

 

He Missed Out On Something Good

essentials: splurging on a sexy new pair of heels and or leather pants, a fun day out with your friends doing something active and competitive so you remember the bad bitch you are

 

It Ain’t Me – Kygo, Selena Gomez

vibe: Too bad, you missed out. Leaving and moving on from the guy who did all the taking and none of the giving in a relationship.

lyrics of note: “Who’s waking up to drive you home when you’re drunk and all alone? / Who’s gonna walk you through the dark side of the morning? / It ain’t me”

Good as Hell – Lizzo

vibe: Obviously this one needed to be on here. Lizzo will be your best friend with a bottle of tequila and the move on with your head held high mindset.

lyrics of note: “If he don’t love you anymore / Just walk your fine ass out the door”

She’s So Gone – Naomi Scott

vibe: Celebrating a newfound version of you, post-breakup. And yes, it’s a Disney song.

lyrics of note: “And I’m stronger than you ever thought I’d be / Are you shocked? / Are you mad? / That you’re missing out on who I really am”

Your Side of The Bed – Loote

vibe: The voicemail you left on your ex’s cell about giving all your love and attention to someone new.

lyrics of note: “Everyone says that you’re better off / No, you don’t believe em'” … “I got me someone else instead / He’s taking your side of the bed”

Never Again – Kelly Clarkson

vibe: Taking jabs at him and his new girlfriend. The lyrics to really belt are definitely in the chorus. Could fall under fuck him angry ones too.

lyrics of note: “Does it hurt? To know I’ll never be there / But it sucks to see my face everywhere / It was you who chose to end it like you did”

 

 

Fuck Him / Angry Ones / Raging with Your Girlfriends

essentials: the wildest group of girls you can physically fit into one room, several bottles of José silver, thigh-high leather boots that make you feel sexy as fuck, strong Mrs. Smith vibes

 

Bad Girls – M.I.A.

vibe: Channeling your inner biker girl. Trust me, the breakup will be out of your mind by the end of this one.

lyrics of note: “Live fast, die young / Bad girls do it well” … “Leavin’ boys behind ’cause it’s legal just to kill”

I Don’t Fuck With You – Big Sean, E-40

vibe: He says a variation of “I don’t give a fuck about you” over 50 times. It’s a winner.

lyrics of note: “Don’t give a fuck about you or anything that you do / I heard you got a new man, I see you takin’ a pic / Then you post it up, thinkin’ that it’s makin’ me sick”

I Can Hold a Grudge Like Nobody’s Business – Adam Jensen

vibe: I didn’t forget what you did. Don’t fuck with me. Grungy, dirty, dark, heavy, a lil crazy, and all good.

lyrics of note: “You got me actin’ like the old me, but you don’t even know me / Can I get a witness? / Cause I can hold a grudge like nobody’s business”

Bad Girls – Pussy Riot, Dave Sitek, Desi Mo

vibe: Sharpening knives and hyping with the girls as you plot his murder.

lyrics of note: “A good girl never had penetration / A bad girl leave a hard dick waiting” … “Bad girls club and no you can’t sit with me / Well behaved women seldom make history / It’s not a mystery but if you really want to get to me / Don’t bring no glass slippers, Cinderella wasn’t shit to me”

Manhunt – Karen Kamon

vibe: Switching up the vibe from defense to offense and putting yourself aggressively out there. Another gem from Flashdance.

lyrics of note: “I’m goin’ on a manhunt, turn it around / Women have been hunted, now they’re huntin’ around”

Boss Ass Bitch – Ptaf

vibe: V V V NSFW, but V V V V V V V V solid for girls night.

lyrics of note: “I’m a boss ass bitch”

Me & My Girls – Selena Gomez

vibe: Girls night out when you all have zero interest in guys or meeting someone and are there for each other.

lyrics of note: “I know we’re making you thirsty / You want us all in the worst way / You don’t understand / I don’t need a man”

Crying in the Club – Camila Cabello

vibe: Seeing your recently dumped friend start to get emotional when you’re out drinking and dragging her to the bathroom for a pep talk. You can even blot her tears to the beat.

lyrics of note: “You think, that you’ll die without him / You know, that’s a lie that you tell yourself” … “Let the beat carry away, your tears as they fall, baby / Ain’t no crying in the club”

BIG BANK – 2 Chainz, Big Sean, Nicki Minaj

vibe: Not about a breakup at all, but the vibe is heavy with “fuck you, I’m the best” and if you and your friends need a song to get hyped to during a pregame I’d put this on.

lyrics of note: “Lames can’t call and you a lame / You had it then you lost it, hall of shame / I can buy a Bentley, don’t talk to me”

 

 

He Goes Back to His Girlfriend

essentials: a non-judgmental best friend, the realization that you were never in competition with his girlfriend, respect for his choice, a karaoke bar and the confidence to belt your favorite song to a room of strangers

 

NUMB – Hayden James, GRAACE

vibe: Wishing you could feel nothing instead of everything for someone who already has their person.

lyrics of note: “I saw it coming soon / ‘Cause when you looked at me she would look at you / Say ‘it’s you not me’ / ‘Cause that’s my favorite part”

Girl Crush – Little Big Town

vibe: Comparing yourself to the one he’s with and wishing that you could be like her, just to better fit the person he wants to be with. Slow and a little bit weepy. Not how you should feel, but definitely how you might feel.

lyrics of note: “I want to drown myself in a bottle of her perfume / I want her long blonde hair, I want her magic touch / Yeah, ’cause maybe then you’d want me just as much”

Stay – Sugarland

vibe: Wishing he’d stay with you instead of returning home to her. Ends with a power move, putting yourself back in the driver’s seat and pushing him out of your life. lyrics of note: “What do I have to do to make you see / She can’t love you like me? / Why don’t you stay?”

Blood In The Cut – K.Flay, Aire Atlantica

vibe: Suffering in silence when the one you love is with someone else. Too many good lines in this one, plus the overall dark, grungy energy makes it perfect.

lyrics of note: “All I do is pretend to be ok so my friends can’t see my heart in the blender / Lately, I’ve been killing all my time / Reading through your messages my favorite way to die”

 

 

He Leaves You / Moves On to Someone Else

essentials: a blanket fort in which you are the queen and no one can enter unless you allow it, cookie dough – baked into cookies or raw, it’s your call, Dior Iconic Waterproof mascara, several rounds of “I’m actually doing great” practice before returning to groups that know you all broke up

 

I Wanna Know – NOTD, Bea Miller

vibe: Wishing you could get over someone and having a list of questions comparing how you all were with how he is with his new girlfriend that you both want and never want to be answered.

lyrics of note: “Does she move your body? / Like I moved your body? / ‘Cause I wanna know”

Do You Think About Me – Captain Cuts, Zookëper, Georgia Ku

vibe: Trying to keep someone out of your mind when all you can think of is wondering if they’re thinking of you.

lyrics of note: “Don’t know why I ever thought it’d be easy / Second guessing only leads to regret / Out of sight, out of mind then it hits me”

Send My Love (To Your New Lover) – Adele

vibe: A positive take on being left when he just couldn’t keep up and chose to be with someone else.

lyrics of note: “I’m giving you up / I’ve forgiven it all / You set me free”

She’s Got You – Patsy Cline

vibe: Losing someone, looking around and just seeing a collection of their memories. Heartache has always been around and this 1960s classic is the perfect proof of that. It also mildly makes me think of the heartache my grandmother and mother went through at different times in their lives. Life turned out wonderful for them – it will for you too.

lyrics of note: “The only thing different / The only thing new / I’ve got your picture, she’s got you”

Shout Out To My Ex – Little Mix

vibe: Truly not caring when he moves on because you already have.

lyrics of note: “Shout out to my ex, you’re really quite the man / You made my heart break and that made me who I am”

 

 

Ending Things With a Fuqboi

essentials: hair toss, the biggest shrug you can muster, figuring out if you need time to yourself or to find someone new

 

Undrunk – FLETCHER

vibe: Wishing you could go back and undo all the feelings, memories, time spent on someone.

lyrics of note: “Wish I could get a little un-drunk so I could un-call you / At five in the morning, I would un-fuck you /  But some things you can’t undo”

Dead – Madison Beer

vibe: Dealing with a guy who says he loves you and that you are everything, but won’t commit.

lyrics of note: “You could be here but you’re not, I give whatever you want / But you just take it and run” … “You say you can’t live without me / So why aren’t you dead yet?”

Candles – Daughter

vibe: Soft, slow, and self-mourning as you distance yourself from someone that you love, but who doesn’t want to commit and be with you.

lyrics of note: “I’ll never be a lover / I only bring the heat / Company undercover / Filling space in your sheets”

I Don’t Even Care About You – MISSIO

vibe: Putting your emotions in a box, putting that box in a box, putting that box in a box… Flipping between being depressed, angry, not giving a fuck about someone. Dark, deep, alt-electronic with a whistly vibe.

lyrics of note: “I can do without your false curiosities / Angry again / No, I don’t wanna have a conversation with you / Angry again / Let me sit alone with the kerosene”

Fuqboi – Hey Violet

vibe: Not falling for all the bullshit, chichéd one-liners, and false consideration that a fuqboi will give you.

lyrics of note: “You’re a fuqboi / I’ve been through it before / I’d rather cut out my tongue / Then let you kiss me with yours”

Don’t Call Me Up – Mabel

vibe: Swearing off a fuqboi and realizing your strength in walking away from whatever you got from that fuqboi-ship.

lyrics of note: “Don’t call me up / I’m going out tonight / Feeling good now you’re outta my life” … “My friends said you were a bad man / I should have listened to them back then”

IDGAF – Dua Lipa

vibe: There’s nothing he could say to change your mind. You’re over him. You have iron-will. Very strong sing-with-a-girlfriend-in-her-apartment vibes, and I have.

lyrics of note: “So save it, get gone, shut up / ‘Cause if you think I care about you now / Well, boy, I don’t give a fuck”

Ugly Heart – G.R.L.

vibe: Being into a super hot guy who just sucks. Packing away all your superficial emotions about how gorgeous he is, realizing that underneath it all he WILL hurt you, and using that to put yourself first and protect yourself.

lyrics of note: “Okay you’re pretty / Your face is a work of art / Your smile could light up New York City after dark” … “But it’s such a pity a boy so pretty / With an ugly heart”

Fuck Feelings – Olivia O’Brien

vibe: Fuck feelings. Fuck catching feelings. Fuck having feelings for someone who doesn’t have them for you.

lyrics of note: “Fuck feelings, swear that shit ruined my life / All they ever do is waste my time”

 

 

He Cheats on You

essentials: blocking him on social media, a clear and sober mind, best friends that will prevent you from turning around and going back, the realization that it is NOT your fault

 

You’re Such A – Hailee Steinfeld

vibe: Realizing that the fact that he would cheat puts him in a category of guy that you would never want to be with. Almost has a nursery rhyme vibe with a teasing, innocent, but slightly “are you fucking kidding me?” mix.

lyrics of note: “‘Cause you had your chance and you blew it” … “Did you think that I would let you crawl right back into my bedroom? / After everything we’ve been through / I know the truth / That, damn, you’re such a … difficult little devil”

Alarm – Anne-Marie

vibe: Getting involved with a cheater and receiving the exact same treatment. You were the other woman, he left her for you, and he is still texting her.

lyrics of note: “I should’ve known a cheat stays a cheater / So here we are / And there goes the alarm ringing in my head” … “But I was so intrigued by your style, boy / I always been a sucker for a wild boy / I’m better than this, I know my worth”

Should’ve Said No – Taylor Swift

vibe: He acts like it was a one time mistake when what he should have done was v simple. The OG “he cheated” song from when Taylor Swift was still a country singer.

lyrics of note: “You shouldn’t be begging for forgiveness at my feet / You should’ve said no, baby and you might still have me / I can’t resist, before you go, tell me this / Was it worth it?”

FU – Miley Cyrus

vibe: Kissing his ass goodbye the second you find out about her.

lyrics of note: “I don’t really have much to say / I was over it the second that I saw her name”

I’m Not The Only One – Sam Smith

vibe: Being heartbroken after finding out that all your suspicions were right. Being cheated on during a long-term relationship.

lyrics of note: “I have loved you for many years / Maybe I am just not enough / You’ve made me realize my deepest fear / By lying and tearing us up”

Better Man – Little Big Town

vibe: Putting yourself first and knowing that he’s not good enough for you, but wishing that he was.

lyrics of note: “I see the permanent damage you did to me / Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic” … “Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again / But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man”

two nights – Lykke Li, Aminé

vibe: The very moment you know that cheating is happening. Sad, dark, and deep.

lyrics of note: “Nobody else / You say there’s no one but I can tell / Why can’t you need me and nothin’ else?” … “I left all the lights on / I been sleepin’ with no clothes on / You never came home / Two nights in a row, where’d you go?”

Somebody Else – VÉRITÉ

vibe: Hating to see someone you care about be with someone else, even if you don’t want to be with them. V applicable when, after being cheated on, you want to leave them, but also hate to see them with someone new.

lyrics of note: “I start to believe in anything you’re sayin’ / I’m reminded that I should be gettin’ over it / I don’t want your body / But I hate to think about you with somebody else”

 

 

He Tries to Get You Back, but Let’s Face It, He Sucks

essentials: your middle finger held v high, if he cheated on you, one or two petty laughs at his expense, a best friend to prevent you from letting him in your life again if you consider going back

 

Tired of Talking – LÉON

vibe: Being done with the “let’s talk this out”s and moving on from a love that took your love for granted.

lyrics of note: “‘Cause I’ve been nothing but good to you / You’re howlin’ into the night won’t do” … “Get out the door and disappear / When you get home I won’t be here / Don’t act surprised as if you cared”

Hurts Like Hell – Madison Beer, Offset

vibe: Wishing someone feels every drop of regret after leaving you for someone else.

lyrics of note: “My baby’s all alone in his bed  / Fingertips on the edge / He left me for a girl / But he regrets leaving me” … “You shoulda never let me go / I know I’m messing up your mind / The devil got you good this time”

If You’re Over Me – Years & Years

vibe: Running out of patience for a guy who plays you hot and cold.

lyrics of note: “You tell everyone our love went cold / Going around, spreading the word, it’s over / If that’s how you feel then you should go / Don’t come around saying, ‘I still want you'” … “Yesterday you said I’m the one / But now you say you’re done / Stop telling me what I need”

it’s not u it’s me – Bea Miller, 6LACK

vibe: Casting out a guy who was just a rebound, temporary, or someone you were just playing around with.

lyrics of note: “Your distractions were exactly what I needed / Now I see the truth / It’s not you, it’s me / I’m the only one I need”

Old Love / New Love – Twin Shadow

vibe: White knuckling your will not to return to an ex when you really want to, but know it would be terrible for you.

lyrics of note: “An old love called me yesterday / And she sounds so sweet / Why, she sounds so… / Drill me to the floor / This hurts even more than I expected it to do”

Low Blows – Meg Mac

vibe: When he comes back after completely crushing you, taking your friends, time, and hitting you with so many low blows.

lyrics of note: “Baby, I have nothing left / You took my money and you took my friends back” … “Low blows, man up
It’s all good, man up / ‘Cause I don’t say much when I don’t like it / But I don’t like it and I never liked it like that”

Really Don’t Care – Demi Lovato, Cher Lloyd

vibe: There’s nothing he can do that will bring you back because you are 100% over him.

lyrics of note: “I never want you back into my life / You can take your words and all your lies / I really don’t care”

 

 

 

Keep your head up, ladies. Breakups are part of the risk of dating and if you don’t embrace the risk you’ll never get the reward.

 

How to learn to follow through, foster your goals, and complete them

PERSONAL STORY

One day, when I was in elementary school I learned the word “quit” and immediately wanted to test it out. I went home and told my mom “I want to quit piano” and with five kids who each had a million after school activities, she was happy to have one less thing to take me to. I have a vivid memory of leaving my last piano lesson at the house with the blue fence and having tremendous regret. I was too stubborn to admit it then, but I really wish I never quit piano. What I learned that day is how easy quitting can be.

A few years of being an exemplary “quitter” later and another vocab word changed my outlook (shout out to NHMS). I learned what “tenacity” was and I wanted that. Badly. So I started, every day, practicing little acts of tenacity. Relishing the moments when the going gets tough and using every difficult moment as life training to become a stronger person. I gave myself a “love the pain” mentality. The point of sharing this with you is to show that mental toughness is something that you can learn and strengthen. Like a muscle, it requires a little training, but if you have the desire to move past being a “quitter” then you’ve already taken a major step.

 

WHEN WE MEET SOMETHING NEW

Laying the premise to keep in mind throughout this post: Despite the name “quitter”, you are not defined by the things you do or do not continue. You are defined by the actions you take. Do you take actions that are bettering you as a person or moving you forward to the person that you want to be? Then who cares (and who’s business is it) what you leave behind along the way? Trying things out, finding that they don’t work for you, and walking away is a strength. Blindly staying with something out of spite is not. Quitting is not just walking away from something. Quitting is what happens when you walk away from a challenge.

That being said, sometimes we walk away from things we care about. Whether it’s out of boredom, because we aren’t getting the results we expected, or judgment from others, these are the times that we need to hold our feet to the fire and carry on. Persevering beyond the “honeymoon phase” and through the “growth periods” are importing aspects to our growth overall. When we try something new we go through three stages:

Honeymoon Phase. This is when the project or thing is new and exciting. You might have a lot of support from people around you or feel all fiery when you think about it. It’s your new love, it’s exciting, it seems abundant with potential and you are psyched about it.

Growth Periods. This is when you leave “tutorial mode” and start struggling. Problems you didn’t see before arise and you start to get overwhelmed by what’s in front of you. This is when you become a stronger person. This is not the time to walk away from a project. This is the time to press on and truly grow.

Perspective. This is when we decide to accept something into our lives and use it for our development or when we walk away because it isn’t serving us. Perspective is the time after a little win when you look back and think something like “that wasn’t so bad”. This is when you are able to have more perspective on whatever you are currently working on and make a rational decision about whether or not to continue.

A perfect example is learning to ride a bike. We have a Honeymoon Phase riding around with our training wheels on and a parent holding the seat. But one day we take the training wheels off and move into the Growth Period. We struggle and are wobbly on something we used to be so excited and steady on. It stops being just “fun” and starts requiring “work”. It’s when we want to quit or go back to the safe zone of training wheels and parental support. Pushing past this, into your first “win”, is what allows you to reach the Perspective stage. Decide if you want to continue only after you’ve successfully peddled a little while. We all want to quit in the midst of a struggle, so wait to make that call until you’ve had a mini-win and can see with clearer eyes. Start looking at the difficult moments as speed bumps, not roadblocks.

 

PUTTING IT TO PRACTICE

You can’t fix something that you don’t know the cause of. In my life, there have been three major reasons why I would end up quitting. You have to determine why you quit and then address it, both mentally and behaviorally. Change not only what you are physically doing, but also how you talk to yourself around challenges. Changing that internal conversation will change how you treat new challenges.

Loss of Interest
  • WHY Are you starting things for YOU or for others? If you aren’t 100% into it at the beginning you will lose interest fast. You’ll get bored. You cannot motivate yourself based off of someone else’s desires or passion. Is this something that you yourself are at all interested in?
  • MINDSET Before starting something new ask yourself the hard questions. Are you doing this for you? Are you doing this for your parents? For someone you’re interested in? Or maybe just because it seems like the “thing” to do? Be 100% sure that you are the fuel behind a new project and not someone else before starting.
  • BEHAVIORAL CHANGE Find your motivator to push past the monotony. Start each new thing with an intense commitment you cannot walk away from (social pressure, financial investment, etc). For me, I know that if I’ve sunk money into something I will stick with it. I started and stopped blogging several times since high school, but the reason that it stuck this time is pretty easy, I bought a domain for three years. I told myself that I could quit after three years if I stuck it out for that time.
When Success Not Coming Fast Enough
  • WHY Success does not come overnight. We’ve all heard it before, but it’s true. In a world of viral videos, it’s hard to continue drudging along when someone else seemingly “explodes” overnight. When it feels like we are stuck in the mud and that all our hard work is going nowhere it’s easy to quit.
  • MINDSET If you hear yourself say “I’m wasting my time” double-check if you are actually wasting time, or if you’re just discouraged at the seemingly small amount of progress you’ve made. When you start to get that sinking feeling of “I’ve gone nowhere” remember to look backward and not just forwards. Be gentle with yourself. Relish the experience, not just the results.
  • BEHAVIORAL CHANGE Make a list of all the small accomplishments you have made along the way so you have a tangible list of all your successes. Aggressively track your progress and give yourself credit for each win. I have a habit of being too hard on myself and sometimes it takes moments to look back and relish in a little moment of pride, to feel the psych come back.
Confidence
  • WHY This is a big one. When you lack confidence you don’t move forward, you don’t take risks. External factors can heavily influence this, whether that be comparing yourself to someone else’s success, receiving “hate” from people you care about, or feeling like you’re going to fail before you begin. Each of these things shakes our confidence in different ways. If you don’t have a strong foundation of confidence you will have tremendous difficulty during Growth Periods and will find yourself giving up when you fail.
  • MINDSET Being a runner I always think back to the advice my dad would give me before a big race. “Don’t hope to do well, work for it, and think about it all the time. If you think you’re going to lose, you’re going to lose.” He instilled in me a “winner” mindset. I always envision myself “winning” and that has made all the difference. Next time you talk to yourself, check if you are talking down to yourself. Are you anticipating failure? Are you anticipating you will quit? And then redirect the conversation. You are a winner. You are tenacious. Remind yourself why you started this project. Remember that the past does not dictate the future. If you flip a coin 100 times in a row the 101st time still has 50/50 odds. Every new thing you undertake is a new opportunity with fresh odds. 
  • BEHAVIORAL CHANGE If you find yourself overly concerned and worried about what others will think of your new passion don’t share your goals so readily with people. Give yourself the room to struggle, fail, leave projects, adapt, without stressing what other people say. Other people are not entitled to force their opinion on you. You are allowed to protect a new, delicate passion project from them.

 

Start with something small. If you find you get bored of things often start with the small goal of finishing a novel that you keep putting down. If you don’t get success as often as you’d like to, make a 7-day, 15-day, and 30-day goal sheet for a project you have. Track your progress at a daily level so you have the ability to look back at your success as motivation to continue on. It’s hard to see how we’re doing when we’re in the thick of it, so give yourself the ability to zoom out. If you are struggling with confidence the biggest advice I can give you is to relax. Treat yourself with grace and kindness. Remember that failing is not an indication of your worth and you’ll find it easier to stand up and try over and over again.

Energetically Clear Your Space {smudging, saging, cleansing}

While smudging seems easy enough there are several steps that when skipped can take a very spiritual and calming experience and turn it into one that leaves you with more questions than answers. My first experience with smudging was definitely not as magical as I thought it would be, but after a few false starts, I’ve grown deeply in love with the practice. I wanted to share everything I’ve learned with you all as more and more of you have sent me questions about smudging, how to get started, and what to look for in a perfect sage bundle (cue heart eyes).

 

* Learn more about my personal experience with smudging here *

 

 

Benefits of Smudging

Need a Little Scientific Proof?

White sage has both antimicrobial and antibacterial properties. In one study, it was found that burning sage for an hour decreases aerial bacteria by 94%. It possible that these traits are what allowed many cultures to link burning sage with spiritual wellness.

 

Cleansing Old or Negative Energy

One potential explanation for why the apartment feels cleaner after sage-ing has to do with ions. Burning sage emits negative ions (in the same way that running water or a salt lamp do) that can grab onto positive ions (dander, dust, allergens) and neutralize them. As you move around your space you’ll see the smoke turn from white to grey to black and back again. It’s believed that the smoke knows where to go, using positive ions like a road map to find the negative energy in the room and neutralize it. When the smoke turns black it means that the sage has come in contact with negative energy.

 

Improve Your Mood & Stress Level

In some cultures, white sage is used as a traditional remedy for anxiety, depression, and mood disorders. It’s believed that stress can be soothed and a mood lifted by burning sage. A study out of the University of Mississippi established a relationship between white sage and receptors in the brain that are responsible for influencing mood levels, reducing stress, and even alleviating pain (similar to how burning cannabis can affect your mood).

 

 

Get Started Smudging

1. Choosing Your Sage

It’s unfortunate, but there are a lot of dishonest sellers out there who aren’t marketing their sage properly or are intentionally looking to deceive you. I’ve tried a few different vendors and my personal favorite is Chakra Palace. They sell on both Etsy and Amazon and have incredibly high-quality sage and santo wood (love!). They also ship quickly and are affordable ($20 for 5 sage bundle and 5 smudge sticks). If you are looking to try smudging for the first time I cannot recommend them enough!

* one sage bundle typically lasts me 4-5 smudges

 

2. Set an Intention or Choose a Mantra

While it doesn’t have to be, burning sage is largely a spiritual practice. As you are going through a smudging focus on a word or phrase that embraces the energy you are looking to introduce into your space as you energetically cleanse.

 

3. Open Up & Light Up

Before lighting your smudge stick be sure to open a window slightly to let some of the smoke & air escape.

Focusing on your mantra or intention light a candle that you will use to light your bundle. Gently dip the sage into the flames and blow it out if the sage catches fire. Hold the bundle parallel with the ground as it emits a thick smoke and begin cleansing.

 

4. Cleansing Yourself

Starting at your feet pass the bundle back and forth between your hands, moving the smoke in a clockwise circle around your body. Slowly work up to your head, pausing at any areas that have been causing you pain, whether physical or emotional. I always take a little extra time at my third chakra (solar plexus) as this is where my anxiety and digestion issues manifest.

 

5. Cleansing Your Space

After cleansing yourself, gently sweep the bundle around each room, being sure to target the corners and ceiling spaces. Be thorough and do not rush. Direct smoke over all areas of your space, using your intuition to guide you.

Once you have completed smudging and touched every nook and cranny in your home be sure to open the windows fully to allow any remaining smoke to escape, taking with it negative energy. I typically leave the windows open for 15-30 minutes to let the air circulate fully.

 

6. Clean Up & Safety

After you have completed the cleansing be sure to thoroughly extinguish your bundle by pressing it into a clay dish, ashtray, or glass bowl. Another option is to let the sage go out on its own, being careful to place it somewhere that ash will not fall on anything flammable and where children and pets cannot reach it. Remember to never leave burning sage unattended.

 

 

 

Common Questions and Concerns

When should I sage?

When you feel the time is right! Whether you are curious or spiritually moved, burning sage is largely based on an intuitive feeling. Personally, I sage every time I clean the apartment, when I move into a new space, when I’ve had people over, or if I’m feeling too “full” of negative emotions.

 

Why do you use sage instead of another herb?

When people refer to bundles of “sage” they are typically referencing “white sage”. While sage tends to be the most popular for spiritual and physical healing there are many different herbs that people often burn for their cleansing properties (dating back to ancient Ireland). For example, lavender, cedar, and sweetgrass all have healing properties and are widely used in different cultures.

White sage itself has roots in some Native American cultures.

 

Will I burn my house down / set off my smoke detectors?

A good way to avoid these types of issues is a simple one: never leave your sage unattended. However, it is possible to trigger your smoke alarms when smudging. Personally, I have never had this issue and have smudged in a shared building multiple times. If you are concerned about smoke and would like to try smudging I would recommend this product, which contains sage, rose, and eucalyptus but does not require smoke.

On Why: You should make a resolution every day

It’s February 1st, how’s your NYE resolution going?

Every year, right after the ball drops, the same question ripples through the room “What’s your New Year’s Resolution?” I’ve found, in my own experience, the practice of setting NYE resolutions to be a futile effort. They are always either unrealistic, too ambitious, or simply not aligned with my greater goals. I’ve had all the typical goals: get in shape, eat healthier, spend more time with family, etc but if any progress is made on them it happens in the first 1-2 months of the year, in a minimal way, and then stops, D. O. A.

And I’m not the only one who has this experience. While a change for the better is an excellent idea, the reality is that of everyone who sets an NYE resolution about 88% will fail. Of that 88% more than 23% admit to forgetting their NYE goals. How is that a positive strategy for change? You’ll even hear of people who put off changes they want to make in December, as they plan for a January execution.

NYE Resolutions have never worked for me and for the first time on January 1, 2018 I didn’t set one. An experimental year of making changes when and where I wanted to, and not feeling like a failure because my path changed over the course of 365 days. In some ways, I did make a small, underlying resolution: no expectations.

I left the question of “What will the next year bring?” completely open-ended. Granted I’ve always been a goal-setter and I even wrote a post back in April about what my plans were, but I wanted to be sure that 2018 was not about completing a checklist or brushing off missed goals. My favorite part of that Spring piece is a simple sentence that has become my mantra:

Someday isn’t coming.

Now before I start to sound like a massive pessimist (if I haven’t already) please know that the meaning behind Someday isn’t coming isn’t meant to be negative, it’s meant to be motivating. It’s the idea that Someday is so abstract that basing your life on it is the worst thing you can do. I think that NYE resolutions reinforce that Someday is coming. And that if you fail “There’s always next year”.

But where is the sense of urgency?

This is YOUR life.

Why are you waiting?

Having a “no expectations” year is what led me to take every opportunity in stride and continually shift and evolve my goals & plans. I started a blog, I worked out more days this year than any year since leaving school, I traveled more, I paid off $9,000 in credit card debt, I grew in my relationships. I am closer now to achieving some MASSIVE goals that I have had for 5+ years than I ever was when those same goals were on my NYE resolutions list.

So why would an NYE resolution have worked against me and my current achievements? Because I never once felt like a failure, even when I “failed”. I pushed myself far outside of my comfort zone because I hadn’t predetermined how far I was willing to push myself. And I didn’t have abstract resolutions like “be more outgoing” or “grow self-confidence” which allowed me to hone in on specific goals I’ve had for years. In short, it allowed me to focus on my “bucket list” instead of a “to do list”.

I’ve wanted to grow my self-confidence for years and 2018 was the first time I felt that little ping that later erupted into the buzzing aura of confidence that surrounds me every day. Starting a blog was one of the scariest things for me because I was so incredibly paranoid about what other people would say or think of me. I think a lot of that comes from the fact that any time I had previously tried to blog I wasn’t writing what I wanted to, I was writing what I thought others would want to read.

Now I truly feel like I have a blog that is my on and reflects me through and through. I’m not just out here mimicking what I’ve seen work for other bloggers. I don’t want to be a carbon copy of every other “girl with a blog”. I wouldn’t have even taken a mild step toward the direction of starting a blog if I hadn’t set a zero expectations precedent for myself at the start of 2018.

And now look where we are!

Every month, week, day, I’m finding new things that I want to do and acting on those motivations. There’s no waiting for a Monday start, a “fresh” month, or a new year to jump start. If I want to do something I’m starting now. Having a year outside of the standardized goal-setting of NYE resolutions allowed me to start my own clock, whenever I want.

Instead of looking forward in 2019 as a tool to fix your life and make the changes you want, look in the mirror. You are the one in charge. You are the one who decides when and where. If it’s day 32 of the year and you’ve “messed up” your NYE resolution shake it off and start again now. Not next year, not next month, not next week, not even tomorrow.

Start now and get away from the mindset that you’ve “failed” at all because you, my friend, are shiny, evolving, and able.

2019 Reading List

 

I used to be an avid reader. The type of person that would sit down a cruise a 400 page book in under 6 hours. I absolutely love to read and luckily for most of my life my formal education supported this. Throughout elementary, middle, and high school we had weekly class trips to the school’s library, teacher’s encouraged us to read daily, and there was even class time devoted to my personal favorite SSR (Silent Sustained Reading). In college, there was a shift for me and finding the time to do all my class-required reading was difficult enough, much less time to read all the other books on my list.

This year I’m looking to prioritize reading, and have crafted the below list based on books that I have been interested in reading for months (even years). There are also a few books that I’ve read excerpts of but haven’t been able to dive into whole-heartedly.

Here is my current “to-do” list. Did I miss your favorite? Let me know if there is something I should add!

 

+ What I Talk About When I Talk About Running by Haruki Murakami An intimate look at writing, running, and the incredible way they intersect, from the incomparable, bestselling author Haruki Murakami. While simply training for New York City Marathon would be enough for most people, Murakami’s decided to write about it as well.

+ The White Album by Joan Didion A 1979 book of essays by Joan Didion. Like her previous book Slouching Towards Bethlehem, The White Album is a collection of works previously published in magazines such as Life and Esquire. The subjects of the essays range widely and represent a mixture of memoir, criticism, and journalism, focusing on the history and politics of California in the late 1960s and early 70s. 

+ Rising Strong by Brené Brown Social scientist Brené Brown has ignited a global conversation on courage, vulnerability, shame, and worthiness. Her pioneering work uncovered a profound truth: Vulnerability—the willingness to show up and be seen with no guarantee of outcome—is the only path to more love, belonging, creativity, and joy. But living a brave life is not always easy: We are, inevitably, going to stumble and fall.

+ The Female Persuasion: A Novel by Meg Wolitzer There’s nothing like a crush – the all-consuming gush of obsession and excitement that shocks the system into euphoria. We often read about romantic infatuation, but in The Female Persuasion, Meg Wolitzer sets her sights on another kind – female friendship and mentorship, and the craving to be heard and admired by the one you admire. It’s a rich and satisfying novel – it will be called timely –about Greer Kadetsky, a young woman coming of age and finding inspiration in feminist icon, Faith Frank, who evolves throughout the novel from abstract celebrity, to boss, confidant and challenger who pushes Greer to confront reality.

+ Consider the Lobster by David Foster Wallace Consider the Lobster and Other Essays (2005) is a collection of essays by novelist David Foster Wallace. It is also the title of one of the essays, which was published in Gourmet magazine in 2004. I’ve read the essay “Consider the Lobster” but would love to not only reread it but also to read his other essays.

+ It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand by Megan Devine “Megan Devine has captured the grief experience: grief is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be honored. She understands the pain that grieving people carry on top of their actual grief, including the pain of being judged, dismissed, and misunderstood. It’s OK That You’re Not OK is the book I’ve been waiting for for 30 years—the one I can recommend to any newly bereaved parent, widow, widower, or adult grieving a death.” —Donna Schuurman, senior director of advocacy and training at The Dougy Center for Grieving Children & Families

+ Friendship: A Novel by Emily Gould Gould’s novel, out this summer, features two thirty-something women who wouldn’t seem out of place on the cast of “Girls.” One’s a Midwesterner who has outgrown her Bohemian lifestyle, and another’s a little too accustomed to privilege.

make believe: warm neutrals & a place to curl up

Have you ever seen the way cream folds into coffee? It’s heavenly. There’s something about warm neutrals that is so relaxing, comforting and homey.

I think part of being drawn to white and cream is also drawn to its renewal significance. It’s the blank slate everyone wishes they had. It makes you feel fresh and alert and after an excess of me me me time, that may be exactly what I’m needing.

 

 

 

Embrace the change of season with these bits:

this teddy sweater for early, chilly mornings.

a warm, creamy cup of coffee.

fresh bread baked by you.

set the mood in your living room with this rug.

gathering for dinner with loved ones.

make believe: fresh, green spring

Kermit doesn’t know what he’s talking about. It’s pretty easy to be green. It’s an earthy color full of vivacity and life, and incredibly wearable.

I’ve been having a serious green moment lately, particularly with how different shades of green hold different meanings and feelings. The first time I wore green eyeshadow I felt invincible. Not sure if it was the being 14 and experimenting with my first ever makeup palette, or if it was that I had chosen the most electric shade of lime green. My shade preference has definitely developed over the years, but I still love a good shade of green.

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Maybe it’s because of my eye color or growing up in the country surrounded by leafy trees, but a deep, olive-hunter green will always be my go-to. There is a certain comfortability and, even when it’s not a violent, lime color green, invincibility to the color. When colors give you nostalgia it’s amazing how much you find yourself reaching for them.

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